I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
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*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Made something I’m not proud of
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Had an epiphany today.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.