The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.