@Robert_Beau

The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.

@Robert_Beau

I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

@Robert_Beau

Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.

@Robert_Beau

So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.

@Robert_Beau

Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.

@Robert_Beau

When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?

@Robert_Beau

Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?

MIL:

M:

MIL:

M: Gravy?

@Robert_Beau

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.