Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
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“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
#dalle2
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
This raises questions
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza