My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
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“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
This could be us but you eatin’
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Who’s your best friend?
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.