Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Brands during Pride
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?