Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
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The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Scream sneezers need love too.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I am, perchance