[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
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We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
🙂🙃🥹
We’ve come full circle
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”