“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
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I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
groan^2
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
I’m having an out of money experience.