8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
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Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope