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“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
The big book of baby names but for safe words
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
the answer was staring at me all along
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.