Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Me: sorry I was on mute
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
One good thing about being sedentary for this long is that the life expectancy of my socks has tripled.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE