[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Me: sorry I was on mute