Me: What do you want for dinner?
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
A good way to keep your coffee warm is to not have kids.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.