@RodLacroix

Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”

@RodLacroix

Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-

Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

@RodLacroix

[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]

Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.

@RodLacroix

Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.

@RodLacroix

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

@RodLacroix

Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]

My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?

@RodLacroix

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.

Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]

@RodLacroix

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

@RodLacroix

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces

@RodLacroix

Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.

Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!

Me: I didn’t mean for you.