My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Me: Want to go outside?
Me: Go outside?
Me: Let’s go outside!
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Me: Happy Easter.
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Child: What about-
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.