@RodLacroix

News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.

@RodLacroix

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.

@RodLacroix

Coworker: You getting a flu shot this year?

Me: No. Why would I want to miss out on sick days & staying home in bed?

Coworker [on phone]: Hi I’d like to cancel my flu shot.

@RodLacroix

Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.

Wife: Congratulations.

[2 hours later]

Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.