News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Coworker: You getting a flu shot this year?
Me: No. Why would I want to miss out on sick days & staying home in bed?
Coworker [on phone]: Hi I’d like to cancel my flu shot.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.