If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
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A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Me: well that didn’t age well
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