can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
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[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Writing, She Murdered.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.