Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.