What if all the cashiers are married?
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.