ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
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Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?