The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
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“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack