[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
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I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.