I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
You Might Also Like
i love meeting boys on tinder
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.