Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
You Might Also Like
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.