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Page of roostermustache's best tweets

@roostermustache : Him: my gf left me

Me: theres plenty of fish in the sea

Him: yeah but-

Me: also a squirrel

Him: ...what

Me: and a sponge in a pineapple

@roostermustache: Me (in jail): hey officer these bars are made of iron, not nickel

Cop: ya so what

Me: so it's a nickel-less cage

Cop:*macing me* son of a

@roostermustache: [in catholic church]

Me: can i make a confession

Teacher: *rips off priest mask* I DONT KNOW CAN YOU

@roostermustache: Kid: help my cat's stuck in a tree can you save him

Me: of course little girl *throws bible at cat* do you accept jesus as your lord

@roostermustache: Me: yah after the car accident i can barely raise my arm

Lawyer: how high could u raise it before

Me:*raises arm over head* like this high

@roostermustache: Me: yeah was bingo the name of the dog or the farmer

Professor: i meant questions about the exa- holy shit

@roostermustache: Me: i'll have a beer

Bartender: ok it's on the house buddy

Me:*grabbing him by collar* then get it down, i'm not climbing up there again

@roostermustache: Biden: this is takin forever and build-a-bear is gonna close soon

Obama: joe let me finish my speech or you'll get no tv for a week


@roostermustache: Obama:*sits down and whoopee cushion makes fart noise* what th- JOE

Biden:*tears in his eyes, points at trump* HE WAS SUPPOSED TO SIT THERE

@roostermustache: Biden: can i put whoopee cushions under all the chairs before he gets here

Obama: joe im on the phone

Biden:*muttering* u didnt say not to