woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
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“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.