Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
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STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there