I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
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Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.