lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
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If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
This took me a second..
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.