WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
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When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Breaking news:
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods