When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
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My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”