Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
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Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
🙄😏😂🤣
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON