I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
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I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Oh thanks BBC.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Not really a humane solution in my opinion