Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
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accurate
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.