Found out the name of my neighbor’s cat.

In other news, I now have free internet.


Boss: Why is Pizza Hut listed as your emergency contact?

Me: Because if things ever get crazy, they’ll know where to find me.


*stands by cucumbers at grocery store

*feels intimidated

*hides by baby carrots

*gets ego boost


Her: Make me a burrito, please.

Me: ??

*wraps her in blanket

*pours hot sauce inside


Practicing karate in my driveway to strike fear into potential burglars.


Opening a Twitter account is like opening a bag of money after you rob a bank. You’re happy until shit explodes in your face.