Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
You Might Also Like
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Me, after a minor inconvenience: