Found out the name of my neighbor’s cat.
In other news, I now have free internet.
Boss: Why is Pizza Hut listed as your emergency contact?
Me: Because if things ever get crazy, they’ll know where to find me.
*stands by cucumbers at grocery store
*hides by baby carrots
*gets ego boost
Her: Make me a burrito, please.
*wraps her in blanket
*pours hot sauce inside
1.) Use microwave.
Practicing karate in my driveway to strike fear into potential burglars.
Opening a Twitter account is like opening a bag of money after you rob a bank. You’re happy until shit explodes in your face.