Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
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me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.