Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
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Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Covid like
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?