I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
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Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
If looks could kill
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Every time my phone rings