I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
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A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I will never stop laughing at this
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call