her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
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My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall