I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
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LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent