When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
You Might Also Like
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.