[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
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LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
“OMGJK” -atheists
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
The internet is full of many things
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.