@RuinMyWeek

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.

@RuinMyWeek

It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.

@RuinMyWeek

[God & his assistant making giraffes]

ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?

*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*

@RuinMyWeek

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

@RuinMyWeek

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

@RuinMyWeek

Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”

Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”

@RuinMyWeek

She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.

Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?

*holds up 6 fingers* This many