Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
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When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.