My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.