@RunOldMan

My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.

@RunOldMan

She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.

@RunOldMan

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

@RunOldMan

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

@RunOldMan

My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.

@RunOldMan

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

@RunOldMan

A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.

@RunOldMan

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

@RunOldMan

For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.

@RunOldMan

I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.