@RunOldMan

My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.

@RunOldMan

My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.

@RunOldMan

Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.

@RunOldMan

Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

@RunOldMan

I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.

@RunOldMan

Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.

@RunOldMan

Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.

@RunOldMan

Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.

@RunOldMan

Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.

@RunOldMan

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.