@RunOldMan

My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.

@RunOldMan

I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

@RunOldMan

Kids throw a toy at you and hit you on the head and think it’s hilarious, but if you do it back they’ll start screaming at the top of their lungs.

@RunOldMan

Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

@RunOldMan

A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.

@RunOldMan

My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.

@RunOldMan

Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.

@RunOldMan

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

@RunOldMan

When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.

@RunOldMan

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.