@RunOldMan

I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.

@RunOldMan

The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.

@RunOldMan

After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.

@RunOldMan

Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.

@RunOldMan

I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.

@RunOldMan

The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.

@RunOldMan

If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.

@RunOldMan

I don’t know why people get offended if they’re called non-essential, that just means more time to eat bacon.

@RunOldMan

I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.

@RunOldMan

I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.