@RunOldMan

If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.

@RunOldMan

Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.

@RunOldMan

The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.

@RunOldMan

I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

@RunOldMan

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

@RunOldMan

People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.

@RunOldMan

Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.

@RunOldMan

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

@RunOldMan

When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.

@RunOldMan

Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut