If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut