The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
You Might Also Like
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.