Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of RxitWounds's best tweets

@RxitWounds : POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!

What's the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

@RxitWounds: [Auto-shop class]
"Cody, for the last time, it's still a carburetor even when it's in a van"

*raises hand*

"Or a truck"

*lowers hand*

@RxitWounds: [Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we'll just have to lay here & battle

@RxitWounds: Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It's a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*

@RxitWounds: [Sirens]
Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you're not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?

@RxitWounds: OPEN UP THIS IS THE COPS

What's the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station writing on a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

@RxitWounds: *Power goes out*
Wife: I can't see!

*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were "a waste of money" & "clearly meant for a large child" now?!

@RxitWounds: Objection your honor! He's badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I'm a lawyer and deserve respect

@RxitWounds: *Sits straight up in bed*
"THE CHILDREN"

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*

@RxitWounds: Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you're aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*