If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
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Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Yup
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.