It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
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I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
This did not end as expected.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”