[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
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Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
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Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.