I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
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Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
I didn’t realize that was an option
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.